Never
by Lady Jaye1
Summary: In order to help improve the survival rate, Psyche-Out has kindly kept a record of things one should never do while in G.I. Joe.


_I sadly don't own GI Joe._

**Never…**

_(The following is an excerpt from Psyche-Out's personal notes. Why such a list has been included in his notes is not clear, but it appears to simply be for his own private amusement.)_

Ever since the inception of the legendary GI Joe team, a list of unwritten and uncodified rules has existed. These rules, the legendary 'Never' list has more than once saved the life of one of America's Finest. For a rule to make the list, however, requires that some unlucky soul first discover it. A brief examination of this well known list may perhaps be of some merit.

_1. Never EVER piss off Hawk. Never._

It will unfortunately never be clear who discovered this rule. It has long been the consensus that this rule has existed since the dawn of time and that the first breakage of this rule resulted in the 1908 Tunguska explosion in Siberia.

_2. Never piss off a ninja._

The identity of the man who discovered this unknown, as he was decapitated long ago.

_3. Never hit on a ninja's girlfriend._

If one means the first historical incident, then the answer is the same as number two. If the questioner is in fact inquiring about the first incident in GI Joe, go talk to Clutch.

_4. Never hit on a female Joe, unless you're prepared to face the consequences. _

(See number 11 for further information.)

_5. Never (intentionally) piss off the cooks (especially Roadblock)._

Simple common sense, one that even General Hawk follows. You'd have to be a complete retard to break it. However, this has not stopped the likes of Bazooka, Tripwire, and Wetsuit…

_6. Never piss off Beach Head._

Some poor sap at Fort Benning discovered this. I believe his last name was Hinojosa. If one is looking for the first rule breaker in GI Joe, Flint will be all too happy to fill you in. At least, _after_ he's done swearing at Beach Head.

_7. Never piss off your girlfriend. _

Never ever break this rule, as no amount of ninja training will save you. It's also highly advisable not to stand said person up three weeks prior to the wedding. You may find yourself incapable of begetting future progeny.

_8. Never escape from the infirmary._

This is actually the second most broken rule. However, it is widely agreed that the breakage of it will result in an unpleasantly longer stay and possibly medical leave, as well as the possible breakage of rule number one. Threats of duct tape and catheters may also be used, which of course leads to rule number nine.

As for the first discoverer of this rule, Storm Shadow would probably tell you about it, if he wasn't with Cobra. Since such a task is currently inadvisable, I suggest you ask his accomplice, Snake Eyes.

_9. Never piss off Doc and Lifeline._

Don't let the fact that one's a peace loving pacifist fool you. They're both sneaky bastards.

It is widely agreed that it was Snake Eyes who also discovered this rule (at least concerning Doc), though it may also have been Stalker. As for Lifeline, Shipwreck would rather that such things not be discussed outside of our talks.

_10. Never use the chaplain's building or his assistant's building as part of PT training. It is highly inadvisable and may result in the breakage of rule number 1, which is to be avoided at all costs._

Beach Head discovered this. If I went into the consequences of it, I'd either get a bullet to the head or be forced to drop and give fifty.

_11. Never use a Mauler as an instrument for revenge, especially against a fellow Joe. The only applicable breakage of this rule is if the target is Cobra._

Both this rule and rule number four share a common root. Clutch made the unfortunate mistake of hitting on Cover Girl, which resulted in a game of chicken with a Mauler.

Professional help was immediately sought from yours truly.

_12. PT is NOT optional._

Simple common sense.

_13. "Never" break frat regulations._

This is the most widely ignored rule and has only been included out of respect for military regulations. Any clever and circumspect Joe may break it without invoking the wrath of Hawk, so long as both partners don't neglect their duties.

_14. Never tease a ninja._

Unless:

a. You're Scarlett

b. You're Stalker

c. You're a fellow ninja.

d. Your name is General Clayton Abernathy, otherwise known as Hawk. While it is unknown if the esteemed general has engaged in this pastime, even a ninja is not foolish enough to break the most holy of rules. (See number 1)

* Additionally, if your name is Duke, Flint, or Beach Head, your name is not exempted from the list of people who can get away with teasing a ninja.

_15. Never eat Gung Ho's gumbo, unless you have a stomach of steel._

Even ninjas won't break this rule, unless out of sheer desperation. A trip to the infirmary may result, which may result in the breakage of rules eight and nine, which will lead to even more discomfort and possibly the breakage of the most holy of holies (see number 1).

It's far better to avoid this situation at all costs.

_16. Never piss off Spirit._

As this is the most recent addition to the list, it is perhaps advisable that we examine its origin. The creation of this rule is rather legendary in the Pit, as Beach Head simultaneously managed to discover it, as well as break two other rules in the process. This rule is quickly becoming the second holy rule, right after rule number one.

I'm not quite sure yet how Beach Head managed this, other than that he is one talented Ranger.

* * *

_**Next chapter**__: "Rule 16" Beach Head discovers the consequences of pissing off Spirit.  
_

_Author's note:_

_First chapter was rather short, but the next one will be longer. Enjoy!_

_Rule number ten was inspired by one of willwrite4fics's stories._


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